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My morning routine once consisted of rousing from bed, brewing up a pot of coffee in my fancy French Press thingamaroo, slapping a hardboiled egg on a piece of toast and cranking up the NPR. Aside from the simple facts that a) I put vegemite on my toast and b) NPR is a terrorist organization, I have to say there isn’t much more American than that. Except baseball. And apple pie. And a tattoo of an eagle tattooed with the flag of the original 13 colonies. But I was somewhat involved, fired up one might say, in politics and was blissfully happy when Democrats and Obama took back Congress and were going to drastically change the way our country was run. No more lobbyists, free health care for everyone, a new green economy, high speed trains and I’m sure they mentioned something about cookies and milk just before bed for every US Citizen.

Then I checked out. And.it.was.great. No more NPR, no newspapers, just a general “no thank you” to listening to the news about how a completely Democratic-controlled Congress couldn’t push through Health Care Reform without sounding like ass clowns, how Obama was going to open up more drilling in the Gulf and then the whole damned thing exploded with some 8.2 godzillion tons of gallons of piles of oil, how the…well, etc. Instead I ate fruit for breakfast, climbed a couple of mountains and saw a good deal of the country from the inside of a VW Bus for about six months.

Recently I made the silly decision to check back in on the world of news, particularly because the town we’ve moved to gets exactly three radio stations: Christian Rock, Christian Talk and NPR. Given that I’d rather burn in a Hell with a Satan who at least admits he’s the bad guy vs. sing praise to a God who would let his top priest guys fuck around with little boys, I usually dial in to NPR, though sometimes when that “Jesus is just alright with me” song comes on I do sing along. Here’s what I’ve discovered, primarily, about politics:

• Republicans are evil.
• Democrats, however, are incompetent cowards.

I didn’t vote this year primarily because I didn’t register in my new state in time, due primarily to a general lack of interest. Call it “Who gives a fuck.” If a basically unchecked Democratic Congress can’t get anything done because they’re too afraid of offending these guys or alienating this bunch of folks then I think I see them in a worse light than Republicans who, if nothing else, at least come right out and say how they’re a bunch of racist, money grubbing old men. Again, I’d rather live in an America being ruined openly by those who think we should round up any Mexican-looking Arizonians and toss their asses in jail or Mexico or whatever they do down there than one where the people who proclaimed they would save our country from the mess of the 2000s will sit around and not even catapult themselves to the easiest election win ever by bringing to light the ridiculousness of Republicans holding out on tax cuts for middle class America in order to make certain that they also get those tax cuts for the richest who-gives-a-dime percent. Well, Democrats, you shelved that one until after the election and congratulations, you got to go back to your districts with your tails between your legs and now you’ll be spared the tough issue of voting on it at all, as so many of you are as out of work. Join the ranks of 10% of Americans that the Republicans put out of work just a few years ago, who are so much better at what they do than you that they can actually convince the people of this country that somehow it’s your fault that a dozen eggs were cracked all over our heads and it took more than one napkin and 15 minutes to clean it up.

Thus concludes my speech on why I will not vote again until either one of the two conditions are met: a) the vote involves returning this land to it’s rightful owners, the buffalo, or b) I change my mind for any given reason whatsoever.