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Fuck the man.

Perhaps it’s vulgar, a bit trite, teenage even, or passe, but I would argue that a better personal mission for your life can not be found. When we interpret that simple phrase often found spray painted across some trestle or passing train car as a testament to question every piece of status quo that comes presented to us as simple fact, I believe happiness abounds.

What adolescent punk rockers strive for, to make themselves stand out from the crowd, as perhaps hilariously contradictory it may seem to stand out from one crowd by dressing up like members of a smaller crowd, is the same urge that tax evaders and common thieves and Jesus Christ himself had: challenge the ideas presented to us from birth, just because something is the way it is, does not mean it’s the right way.

For me, for example, I was raised in a devout Christian home. I questioned the obvious fallacies that the Bible spewed forth on a regular basis, the neverending contradictions, but because the rudimentary “fact” that God created Heaven, Earth and everything in between was cemented in me so solidly and from birth, it took me a long time to just come right out and tell myself what I really thought: “This whole God idea makes absolutely no sense.” I won’t go into the details of why I realize that there’s no capital-G-o-d, or my various beliefs otherwise, as it’s not important or the subject of this dissertation. The point is, I questioned something, got the balls worked up inside of my own head to think it through, and the ending result: I’m not afraid of dying because I no longer believe there’s an afterlife, but I live every day happier in knowing how valuable and important it is to take advantage of this life while I’m still living it.

But every instance doesn’t have to be some epiphany changing your entire existence, though I believe by truly embracing the idea your life will, by nature of the process, be changed irrevocably for the better. Sometimes it’s just simple stuff. Hiding your smoking/drinking/bad habits from your children, for example. Why hide it and reinforce the idea that these things are “bad”? Perhaps a better idea would be to explain to your kids what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. “Drinking’s not bad, buddy, though drinking too much, losing control and doing stupid things can be.” “Smoking is bad for your health, champ. The reason I do it is because I started, and I’m too weak to quit. Sometimes I’d love to quit and sometimes I just want to smoke forever. Think about that, I know it’s bad for me, but because of what it is, I still want to do it. It controls me, and I’d hate to see that happen to you, too.” Seems to make more sense to me than making bad habits or not-so-bad-habits into mysterious taboos ripe for teenage rebelliousness to undertake at a whim.

Great, you’re thinking, I’d love to start sticking it to the man, but where to begin? Well here’s a little list of things I just don’t comprehend why people all subscribe to them:

• Insurance. We pay people to make sure nothing ever happens to us? Why not take that money and put it to work for yourself, so that if something does happen to you, you’ve got some cash to help you out of the situation, but if nothing ever happens to you, well then you’ve got cash to give to your kids to do the same with, or just go blow in Vegas on hookers and expensive cab rides.
• Marriage. Been there, done that. What is the point of it again? Oh yeah, to ensure that, as the man, when things go south we’ll throw out everything the feminist movement worked for an automatically assume that women are unable to care for themselves without a man (or more precisely, his money), but are still able to care for any children they previously created. If you want to get married, why involve God and the legal system? What will they do but look down on you for your premarital fornication and turn the beauty of love and the desire to commit your entire life and being to someone for the rest of your breathing days into a contractual obligation.
• Driving. Did you know that walking two miles is pretty freaking easy? It is. But try doing it on a bike, and it’s not only easy, but now you’ve turned that quick trip to the corner store into playtime! Sure, it doesn’t sound fun or convenient now, but once you start doing it, it’s too much fun to ever own a car again. Just rent them now and then, go on a kick ass roadtrip, and when you don’t have to pay monthly insurance and car payments, send me a check for the difference.
• Voting. Is voting really important? Of course, it’s our right as Americans! Well seriously, after everything you learned about the electoral college in high school, why do we still go on continuing to believe that it’s actually our “vote” that matters. It is not, votes don’t count for shit because all they do is get specific people elected. Few of us believe in a person, most of us believe in the ideas that person represents. Yes, much more powerful than our vote is our opinion, expressed, but not just by shooting off your big fat mouth reiterating the various lies and controversies you’ve heard shouted from Fox News or by relaying a few snippets of “wisdom” you’ve gleaned from the latest Morning Edition, to truly express your opinion you must live your opinion. Actions speak louder than words, yes, but they’re also “actions”, so by there very nature they get things done vs. just getting things said.

There you go, now that you’re sufficiently enlighted, do feel free to live a fuller, more wonderful life!