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Why Twitter will Never Catch On
written 5 Jun 2010 either awfully late or awful early
Catchy subject, I know, and completely irrelevant. I’ve just been sitting here thinking of a title for this little ditty I’m going to call my only third post of the year and that one seemed too bouncy to push aside. Now that the hilarity has ensued, let me dive into the post at 20 past the 4th hour after high noon.
I have a novel in me, I’m sure. Well, maybe not another one, but I’ve written two so far and so I can safely say “I have a novel in me” when at the local Starbuckery participating in the morning shindig. Unfortunately, however many verbs, nouns and varietals I might use to conjunct them into a sentence, I am unable to do so in a complete enough manner to finalize one. But I’m on the way to my latest attempt at an “On the Road” if you will, and finding that handwriting is infinitely more time consuming and gratifying than typing, even at a whopping 113wpm that I find myself up to as of late.
I also have an itch to go a-farming. Two horses running through a big white fenced in farm. A dog or three roaming the grounds. Fresh eggs from the chicken coop. Maybe an old dirt road leading up to it all, winding it’s way far off from some back county road into the forest. I’ll no doubt chew on a piece of straw between fixing the tractor and mending some fences. I hope I don’t have any neighbors, but if I do, I hear they’re big fans of that fence mending.
Unless they’re ranchers. Then they’ll probably try and drive their steer through my corn patch and I’ll have to prove to them that I can make it in Montana by herding their livestock through the main thoroughfare while keeping the Fonz happy at the same time. Jumpin’ the shark…
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Interview with a Spare Tire
I was recently approached by an old tire, well, some might say a “yet to be newly used” tire, but I just call him Hogarth. The transaction went as follows:
Tire: So, you’re well known for many things, but not too many actually. What can you tell me about yourself?
Nathan:: Hmmm. Aside from the obvious, male human life form, Earth-born and rippling armpit hairs, there’s not a whole lot to me, I guess.
T: You’ve lived in an RV for the past year or so. What have you learned from that experience?
N: Cheaper is not always better. Faster is rarely better. Two lane highways are excellent.
T: Before you lived in an RV, I’m assuming you were still alive. What could you tell me about that experience?
N: I find that in life there is almost no end to the amount of breathing one must do. If you think about all the time you spend breathing, you’ll realize that about 99.9% of your life seems to be wasted on this one activity. Luckily, we’ve adapted to multitasking. For example, I’ve learned that you can breathe and type 113wpm at a time. No less, no more.
T: Okay and finally, where is the best?
N: Place? Where’s the best place?
T: Yes, definitively.
N: Wherever there is a nearly unlimited supply of any three of the following: beers, cigarettes, friends, fires, starlit wildernesses, rivers and rafts.
T: Thank you for your time, it’s been a pleasure.
N: The pleasure was all yours, I assure you.
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Things I Think I Hate
- People who go to the bathroom with their headphones on.
- People who think stereotypes are bad. Is loving your culture a bad thing?
- Ohio.
Thank you.
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We Will, We Will Hip Hop You OR Rap On
Remember the 1980′s. The clothes were neon, the skateboarders did ballet and the music was as literal as could be. Rock and roll had long shed it’s youthful Elvis glow, had gone through the profound changes of The Beatles adolescence, and was now fully middle aged in a genre hilariously called Heavy Metal.
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Real Men, and How they Eat Vegemite
Breakfast is a time for throwing off the shackles of sleeping oppression and opening our eyes to the wonderful realization that we were only dreaming, and yes, food still exists. It is the most important meal of the day, of course, making all other meals look like mere groupies surrounding the rock star morning dining event. A hard boiled egg, casting off it’s browny shell, free to finally see the light before being sliced and placed on a piece of toast. But no toast is complete without that great key element: vegemite.
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Flight of the Conchords is Still Hilarious, Says This
Jemaine: “Hey Carol, it’s Jemaine here. I was just calling to say, do you remember how we slept together about 6 times last year in February? Uh, yeah I’m a prostitute now. So I was wondering if I was going to be able to get some money for that. Maybe about $40 a time, that’s $3 off.
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What Will Barack Obama Save First?
Now that the election is finally over we can all breathe again, but only for about two months. The world is expecting quite a bit from our new famed leader, and he has effectively promised us salvation. Now all that we can do is wait until he smites George Bush, presumably with some type of fire and/or brimstone, and try and guestimate what our new President will save first. Here are my top picks:
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Nothing Incites Change like Stinking, Sour Milk
Germans farmers protesting against low dairy prices took matters into their own hands: by sending thousands of liters of milk through the mail. Now, EU workers at the European Commission’s main sorting office have to deal with the milk, which is now spoilt and many of the containers burst open during their travels.
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My Good and Loving Dear Aunt Nathan
Note to fans: this is a brand new installment in the series!
Everyday I find myself making my own surveys, like how do I rate bleu cheese on a scale from 1 to 10. Or How happy does rain drops falling on my head really make me?
Satisfied, Never Satisfied, Very Good, Good, Neutral?
Each and everyday I create a survey…what do you suggest?
AND
if life was a survey would take it?
Etta Woy-Woy
Anywhere I can survey
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And Finally, a Double Whammy of Ol’ Thyme Proportions
Nathan wraps up the original season with two questions that will make you go bonkers over computers and “office affairs.”
