Annoying/Stupid/Derivative Ad Boycott 2006 (and, of course, beyond)

As my regular, loyal, affluent readership knows, I am of the 18 to 35 year old male demographic. What you (and they) may not know, is that this particular demographic is the most sought after demographic of them all – the alphagraphic, if you will. Being of said alphagraphic, I have quite a bit of sway when it comes to advertising executives. They, as an industry, often buy me coffee, send me free cigarettes, and give me great deals on Platinum credit cards (some with credit limits as high as $350!!!! (!!!) ).

That being said, hold on to your horse’s socks, I’m about to break it up for your badder halves with an oath of promise:

I, Nathan Swartz, do hereby solemnly swear to, hithertoforthwit, never, ever, ever purchase a product with an annoying, stupid or derivative ad campaign. Advertisements claiming that “product-type-X has never looked so good” or claiming that I should buy their wares because I “deserve it” will immediately be thrown into the junk mail folder of my life, unless their product really does look better than anything else has ever looked (which is never, absolutely ever, the case) or that I really do deserve it (like say, a bionic arm to replace the one I lost while saving the world from the evil Superman.) Furthermoretheheresay, any product advertising that attempts to tug at my heartstrings with imagery of fathers bonding with their children over fruity flavored cereals, or soft panning camera work showing young girls learning to bake cookies with their grandparents, will force me to go into permanent-asshole mode, where anytime I see said product on a shelf or being used in real life, I’ll begin screaming obsenities so loud and utterly vulgar as to permanently scar the users from ever associating themselves with Grandma’s wholesome cookies again.

If anyone is aware of any products of the like, please let me know, and I’ll begin with the getting-upsetted.

Thank you.

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