How to Go to the Rest Room in a Dirty Bar without Touching Anything Gross

I had wondered this same thing, I know – we all have, especially you. But now the timing is right, and the mood genuine enough, for me to finally reveal to you all and for once, that I have spent the better part of my life perfecting a skill that will one day change your universe.

Bathrooming without Risk: A Guide, for Men

  1. Enter the lavatory of choice, or necessity, and approach the desired toilet.
  2. If given toilet is a sit down style commode, use the foot located on your primary kicking leg and lift the seat. Otherwise, proceed to step 3.
  3. Proceed with relief. Remember, your manhood is the cleanest part of your body, as it is housed in both pants and undergarments, and you shower vigorously, correct?
  4. Pay careful attention, the steps will now grow sequentially in order. At this point, you’ll want to locate the sink you plan to attend, preferably one near the paper towel dispenser.
  5. Produce for yourself one paper towel, remove it from the dispenser, and then ready a second paper towel which — and this is key — you will leave cocked and in the chamber of the dispenser.
  6. Using the initial paper towel, advance the cold and hot water knobs to the position to which you are most comfortable. Leave the paper towel laying over one or the other, or both, knobs.
  7. Cleanse your hands vigorously. Remember, friction and soap are key.
  8. Now that your hands feel and are clean, turn off the faucet using the paper towel you left over the handles. Remember, if possible, it’s polite to loosely wipe down the faucet itself just before you throw away the paper towel. With practice, you can execute a smooth, clean wipe without accumulating any bacteria or, worse, germs on your own hands. However, sickness and disease will surely advance in your earliest attempts.
  9. This is an exciting time in the process, because you’re almost complete, which means you can get back to that round of beer with the pals, or telling your parents you’re actually straight after all — return to the paper towel dispenser and remove the prepared towel from a previous step. Proceed to dry your hands, using the paper towel to crank out another one if necessary.
  10. You’ve made it so far, now all that is left is to open the bathroom door (remember, most people haven’t read this post before touching that handle) with the same paper towel and then, while securing the door with your foot or rear arse, send the paper towel into the trash from the three point range.

I was too once like you, a man who hadn’t written or read this post, but now, with a little hope, and a lot of practice, all be as cool as anyone.

Up Next: To Make Believe Out of Nothing