Real Men, and How they Eat Vegemite
Breakfast is a time for throwing off the shackles of sleeping oppression and opening our eyes to the wonderful realization that we were only dreaming, and yes, food still exists. It is the most important meal of the day, of course, making all other meals look like mere groupies surrounding the rock star morning dining event. A hard boiled egg, casting off it’s browny shell, free to finally see the light before being sliced and placed on a piece of toast. But no toast is complete without that great key element: vegemite.
There are those who would say vegemite is best partaken of (or partakeneth, if you will, and I believe you to be a reader of ability to will just such a thing) thinly, in dainty, conservative, dare I say, environmentally friendly amounts. Of course, those people are wrong. And unfortunately for them, they are not only wrong, they are pure cowards.
The only proper way to consume the black tar of Australia, the one redeeming quality the nation has since having recently audited the great Mick Dundee, is to follow these several important steps:
- Arrive at a place that allows you to deduce the amount of toast you are about to consume. You can measure it using the metric system, or the more obtuse (and therefore incredibly tough) American system where 12 = 1 and 3 = 1 – 12.
- Now that you are firmly aware of the status of your breadstuffs, divide the mass of your yeasty base by 2, and that is precisely how much vegemite should be applied to the top and / or sides.
Now many of you may enjoy vegemite spread the way your palate tells you is best, however, be certainly assured, your palate is a bastard child of the dark lord and his minions, because only true men, the type that are raised in Australia or know how to wear an American flag bandanna to a Poison concert, can handle the simple fate of disillusioning their tasting buds into believing the real truth: 1 part vegemite to each 2 parts toast. Now that you know the truth, enjoy the rest of what will surely become a grandiose life.
So have you used enough vegemite? When in doubt, add some more.
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