America the Plentiful

where your fat ass is headed

Shocking reports are in, Americans are big and fat and for the most part that means ugly. But don’t worry, you 5’9″, 350 pounders, thanks to the good George W. Bush we’ll be putting you and your cellulite brethren on Mars soon, where you’ll only weigh a pristine 132lbs. Boy oh boy, I can see it now, everyone on Mars will be beautiful, thin lords of our new domain where no one will judge you because we’ll all be upping the caloric intake and using a long stick to change the channel on our space-o-visions cause we lost the remote. Of course, you’ll still be ugly and everyone knows that we’re sending the ugly people to Jupiter, where you’ll weigh a whopping 830 lbs. mmm…mmm…mmm.

Though there’s still hope for Pluto…something like 23lbs there – oh well. Hope for a bright new tomorrow!

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