To Anyone Who’s Ever Trolled

This goes out to anyone on the Web who has ever trolled a forum, posted angry comments to a blog, Tweeted in rage or wrote something otherwise online about your utter disdain for such and such a product/political party/other person’s opinion/etc.

It’s time to stop the insanity. There simply isn’t enough space left online to continue airing your opinions at the Kbps we’ve all been thusfar doing. So the next time you decide to blast some comment section of a blog base on why you think the author of the post is a fool for suggesting that perhaps Barack Obama is merely GW in a clever rubber mask, remember that we’re mostly humans on the web and there are better ways to handle your frustrations over lousy support for free WordPress plugins. Here are a few quick tips for getting your issues offline and into the real deal we call Earth outside the Internet.

  1. Fight Steve Jobs. That’s right, nearly 89.27% of the problems this world faces right now spawn from the simple fact that Steve Jobs’ mother ever allowed him to be born. Everyday people drop their iPhone into the toilet, go clinically insane trying to get used to the Command key, and starve to death from not realizing iPod Nano Touch is not a new Skittles product. Want world peace on Earth and goodwill hunting to men in black? Find Steve and punch his deck out. Lights out his knuckle ball sandwich, if you know what I mean. He’s not hard to find, his work address comes listed right there in your new iPhone.
  2. Quit the Internet. This is the only surefire, deadpan solid strategy for keeping your web experience calm, cool and completely non-existent. Just quit After all, anything that can be done on the Web can be replicated in the real world with just a few toothpicks, some rubber bands, a basic plastic explosives kit and about 50 angry birds.
  3. Backup your hard drive on Polaroid. Backing up data is smart, but duplicating data is asinine, right? Everytime you make a mirror copy of your harddrive for safety’s sake, the ocean pees on a kid. Why go through the hassle? I just take a quick photo of my computer with an old Polaroid camera. An exact, slightly less colorful backup of my entire machine is then ready to roll just a few minutes later!

This is getting serious people. In 1999 the Web had 78TB of free space available. Today, total available space is down to about 38kb. Everytime you Dropbox a file or upload a picture to Facebook, some company in China has to delete their homepage to make room. So next time, think before you type and always carry a little tablet around to jot notes in as they occur to you throughout the day. It WILL get you popular with the female versions!

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