Does freedom ring too loudly?

Freedom. It’s actually quite the hilarious topic around my household. I have replaced all nouns, verbs and fashions stereotypically associated with loving America with the word. Is that a 50′ US flag? Nope, that’s freedom baby. Look, that little girl wearing a red white and blue sundress…sporting freedom. Do you want some fried potato freedom with that burger? Freedom is everywhere you look in America, from hillbilly kids riding quads to biker’s with flaming eagles painted back their Harleys to Pepsi Cola, everyone (except Canadians and liberals of course), wants a slice of gooey apple-flavored freedom pie (no real apple content, mind you).

But outside of being the basis for 87% of my jokes around the house, freedom is something guaranteed by Thomas Jefferson, the United States Armed Forces and laws against motorcycle helmets to every non-Muslim American born in this great fabled land. Today, on our great nation under God’s 235th bday, you can celebrate with any combination of hot dogs, burgers, Coors (the only true American beer of the crappy beers left), and colorful explosives. But if freedom is a basic right given to all Americans, why are Texans the only ones who truly know how to throw a BBQ? That is a question for another day, but on a more serious note, I’d like to say what freedom means to me…

1. Not having a 9-5. Whether you’re a rock star, an actor, a NASCAR driver, a web designer or just milking that unemployment a few months longer as the recession winds down, freedom first begins with finding out how to do what you love and get paid for it. If you’re spending 8 hours a day plus travel and makeup time, you’re a slave to your company and a traitor to your forefathers.

2. Location independence. Mortgages tie you down to one parcel of land in one city in but one state. Every true American has been to all fifty states (except Delaware and Hawaii), and with the median income of something like $30k we as USofAers make these days, that’s difficult to do while living the white picket dream. Use #1 above to get you #2.

3. Blasphemy. As long as you handcuff yourself to the voodoo of organized religion, you will never have true freedom. Kissing another man, outlawed by God, getting whiskied up on a Sunday morning, frowned upon by the Pope, defiling your lower back with a tramp stamp, forbidden by Leviticus. Leviticus, you bastard! What was he thinking? No, free yourself from the promise of the light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel itself becomes so much more interesting to explore.

4. The Laws of Man. There are a few good laws: not raping, stealing or murdering are good ones, yes. Parking meters, marijuana prohibition and seatbelt requirements are all very anti-George Washington. FACT: Our country’s first President and hero of the American Revolution (known in England as the War Where the English Became Irrelevant) smoked pot, never once is depicted as wearing a seatbelt on that boat crossing the Delaware river, and never paid a traffic violation ticket even once. Go forth, be discreet, and enjoy your life via only one rule: Do unto others as you’d have them do three fold back to you.

Thank you for your Rocky Mountains, your cut off jean shorts, and your Lynyrd Skynyrd, thank youSA!

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